When I heard these poignant words, it was hard for me not to pick-up the plate of food, look the disgruntled customer in the eye, and drop the plate of nachos on his lap.

If you haven't already guessed, I used to be employed in the food service business. During my seven years of torture in this field, I've noticed one fallacy that occurs, not only in every restaurant, but also with most customers. This is the misconception that the customer is always right.

Granted, the customer is the one providing the restaurant with money that keeps the business afloat. But the server is the one who goes behind closed doors, where the customer cannot see, and prepares the food. With these two variables in mind, the question of "who's always right" becomes more complicated.

THE SNAPPING GUY SCENARIO:
Anyone who has ever waited tables knows the "Snapping Guy". This is

"Your seme...uh, seafood is ready!"

the person that, after a few highballs, starts thinking he can impress his date by belittling you. The Snapper's primary weapon against the server is his fingers, and his ability to snap them in a demeaning way while yelling something like, "What? Do I have to wait around 'till the second coming of Christ for a drink?"

The best defense against the Snapper is to snap back. For instance, let's say you go get the drinks and put them down. If you luck out and he doesn't say anything rude, turn your head away and mumble something. If he doesn't respond, snap your fingers about three inches away from his ear and say, "Can I get you something!" He's usually too shocked to respond and you get great brownie points with his date (She's been wanting to do the same thing all night.)

THE IMPORTANT CONVERSATION SCENARIO
Every once in a while you get those people that just will not shut the Hell up for two seconds so that you can take their order. You walk over to the table, start to say, "Hi, my name is..." and you realize that you are interrupting them so you stop. Only problem is, they don't stop. They keep having their conversation while you stand there looking stupid. This generally goes on for about 45 seconds or until one of the people has a conscience and interrupts.

The best defense to this is walking away. If you approach a table that won't stop running their stupid mouths, don't get pissed too quick. Give them a second to finish. If it starts taking too long though, walk away. It's even funnier if you go and get the newspaper, sit in the booth next to them and have a smoke. If they get mad, just say, "Oh...I guess you're ready now."

Works every time.

THE INORDINATELY SPECIFIC SCENARIO
Something that is very common is the person that wants their food to be exactly the way they would make it at home. For example, the

There's an "emergency can" in every kitchen.

guys whose nachos I "fucked up," who we'll call Stan, was a regular at my restaurant. He came in every day and got something different, but he often got nachos. Sometimes he would want everything to come on the side, in separate containers, with just the chips on the plate. Sometimes he would want just one or two things on the side. Regardless, he always wanted his food a different way, and when he would order it, he had a sheepish grin on his face implying, "I'll probably get this for free..."

Go to Hell Stan.

THE COMPLAINER SCENARIO
This list would not be completed without saying a few words about the person who complains about EVERYTHNG. And it's one thing if they're right-- if you or the restaurant really did something wrong. But some people complain and make your night miserable to get free food. Or maybe they want to impress their friends. Or sometimes they're just bored and they enjoy torturing people at work.

So their silverware is dirty -the first complaint. You go and get them new silverware (That you really should just breathe on and polish off) and you apologize for the inconvenience.

"Can I get you more lemon?"

Then there is something in their drink. You really try to explain to them that the seed in their water has obviously fallen out of the lemon that is garnished the rim of their glass, but they continue to complain. This is the point where the question of who is right comes to play.

So after you go get the lemon seed out of their drink with your fingers and bring it back to them, they tell you, "It's cold in here, get your manager to turn up the heat."

After ignoring this request, you take their order (generally the "complainer" and the "inordinately specific" customer overlap at this point). You go put the order in and smoke a cigarette (this is good because it makes you smell like smoke, which is one more thing they can complain about). When you're finished with the cigarette, walk over and say, "Is it feeling a little warmer?" Believe me, they will always say "yes", even if you haven't done a damn thing to the temperature. Their bodies have gotten more adjusted to the room climate and they will actually convince themselves that it is warmer.

After the meal arrives, they'll complain about anything from the music, to the ambiance of the restaurant, your uniforms, the food, other customers. You name it -they'll bitch about it.

The best way to handle the Complainer is to pawn them off to one of the newer servers that doesn't know any better. If you walk over to the table and say hello and they reply with, "Get your manager to turn down the music." Be polite, and say, "Hold on just a second." Then get a new server, throw them a couple of bucks and get them to wait the table. It's worth the money, believe me.

Well, society sees the customer as the one who is always right, but there's enough saliva in a kitchen to even the score.

The Foreign Car
These are really efficient, and usually pretty reliable. Also, they have a look that's different from American cars, and they're fun to drive because they make funny noises when you put them in reverse.

The Sports Car
Only rich guys can afford these because they have to pour a lot of money into maintenance. They go fast and look great though, and it's fun to go out with them because it makes you look really cool.

The Motor Cycle
These are a lot of fun to drive, but you're taking a big risk. You don't want to do it if you're too drunk, wear a lot of protection, and don't make too much of a habit out of it.

The Motor Home
These are pretty big and hold a lot of baggage, and they have their own kitchen (which is nice.) They're good if you're intending to be in one for a while.

The Big American Gas Guzzler
They're fun to take into the back country, and all of the good ol' boys think you're cool. They're pretty loud when you drive them. If your're into that sort of thing.

The "Beater"
These are a little older, and you're definitely not going to be the first owner. They're still fun to drive though, because it really doesn't matter what you do to it, and they're always fun to crack jokes about.

1) Corporate lackey needed to kiss micro-managing bosses' ass. Must be detail oriented to clean-up our ridiculous mistakes.

2) Henchman needed to make tough decisions for fickle boss.

3) A pair of breasts needed to serve hot wings to drunks, personality optional.

4) Overworked? Underpaid? Come to us, you'll fit right in.

5) Slimy liar needed to sell worthless product.

6) High School drop-out needed to irritate drive-thru customers.

7) Shady lawyer needed to save our crooked asses. (Those with morals and ethics need not apply).

8) Naive minority needed to fill overtly easy position to satisfy quota.

9) Under-educated brute needed to gawk at women while driving nails.

10) Internet comedian needed to create offensive content to fuel web site traffic.

(This list was compiled by the iEntry editorial staff)