1) Adamantly reassure your friends and family that your name, in fact, is NOT "Puddin Tame."

2) Name each of your children after Star Trek characters.

3) Introduce yourself as "Bond, James Bond."

4) Ask for a ribeye --medium rare-- a glass of house merlot, and a salad with spinach and a raspberry vinaigrette dressing. At McDonald's.

5) Brag to adults how, if you were still in high school, you'd be a "pussy hound."

A fresh bottle of trailer salsa.

6) Spend all your spare time erecting the world's largest, free- standing bottle of ketchup.

7) Continuously explain to your grandparents all of the subtle nuances and differences between East and West Coast rap.

8) Insist that the family dog is the only "person" that can really hear you when you speak.

9) Put yourself in "time-out" when on dates and sit in the corner facing the wall.

10) Hump ANY file cabinet you see.

Submit Stories to: tim@UncensoredU.com

MSG: Means Smelly Gas

You may be known for your distinguishing tastes now, but most likely this hasn't always been the case. I'm sure most of the readers had their day when ramen noodles with soy sauce and Tabasco was considered your "special recipe". For those who haven't experienced such joy, here's what we call, "The Uncensored College Cook-Book".....

1. Lite beer is like making love in a canoe -- it's fucking close to water.

   "Things Boiled in Beer": Everyone who lives with several of their friends takes a serious risk of having at least one out of many utilities shut-off. This is why it important to master the art of replacing beer with water (After all, sometimes it's a lot easier to get a hold of beer.)

   For instance: Natty Light is a great substitute for water when it comes to pasta, ramen, shrimp...or anything else you can think of that needs to be boiled. (And sometimes, the strangest things in the world need to be boiled.)

2. The perfect food.

   "The Beer Substitute": In addition to making a great supplement for water, beer can also work as a substitute for dairy products. For instance, if you're trying to make macaroni and cheese, but you don't have any butter or milk...beer is the answer.

   You don't want to overdo it, or else your food will taste too much like beer. The best kind of beer for a situation like this is an amber beer, they're the creamiest!

3. Dog food - meat flavor Corn Chex

   "Corn Chex": One of the common problems of low budget living is that sometimes you don't have snack food for guests to eat while they drink themselves silly at your house. Have no fear if you're equipped with Corn Chex. For some reason, the corn they use mixes perfectly with the taste of beer...the two are a perfect compliment.

4. "The Salt Savior": One of the best survival techniques in college is to learn the importance of salt. Salt, back in the days of bartering, was used because it could preserve meat and hide the taste of hideous foods. Let's not forget our roots...