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| Tim escapes from his holding cage. |
School is back again and it's nice to be surrounded by beautiful
women in their 20s. If there is only one thing that makes going to
class tolerable it's the fact that at least one of your classes
should have a couple of beauties in it.
Speaking of which, if you have any cool pictures of girls...or
anything at all that you'd want to see on this site, send them to me.
We're always looking for new pictures.
Just a little reminder: No animals were harmed in the making of
this UncensoredU.
Thanks for reading.
Send me an Email
Peace,
Tim
Mars
Editor, UncensoredU.
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Coach Rick Pitino has planned to step down from his position as
coach of the Boston Celtics. Many of us, especially Kentucky natives,
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| "Hey, fuck you too, Mom!" |
can remember the days when Pitino had it good coaching the Kentucky
Wildcats...A winning team...A city that adored him.
Here's a list of Pitino's possible reasons for leaving.
10. "These professional ball players are cocky, they think they
HIRED ME or something."
9. "In Kentucky it was, like, pretty chic that I was an Italian.
They're everywhere here!"
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| Get this career some Viagra. |
8. "My Dad always told me, 'If you can't be the best, quit and go
somewhere easier'."
7. "At least the Wildcat makes sense. What the Hell is a Celtic
anyway?"
6. "I'd like to retire a successful man, not some loser who gives
up because my team sucks. Oh, never mind."
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| "Have you tried Pitino's roasted garlic?" |
5 "As part-owner of this team, I have no other choice but to
fire our abyssmally unsuccessful coach. Oh, wait, that's me..."
4. "The guys didn't like my concept of full body back-rubs and
'together time' before games."
3. "Oh, the wins go in the first column. I thought we were doing
really well..."
2. "One of the local Ford Dealers in Lexington named a line of
Explorers after me. I think someone named a seat on the 'T'
after me here."
1. "Does it really matter if I stay or go? I mean, how do you
COACH a bunch of millionaires?"
By Tim Mars
Submit Stories to: tim@UncensoredU.com
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Everyone wants their deposit back when they rent a house or
apartment. For some though, that's easier said than done. Parties
provide broken windows, burned rugs and couches, holes in walls,
...and countless other excuses for the landlord to hold out on your
deposit money.
Here's a few ways to be one step ahead of the landlord:
The less calls the better: It doesn't take a genius to figure
out that if the landlord never gets called, they have a lot less
"bad" things to remember about you. So the first thing you
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| Christmas lights: they're not just for Christmas anymore. | should always do is meet and exchange phone numbers with as many
of your neighbors as you can. Tell them, "If we're ever being
too loud, just call and we'll turn it down." The trick here is
to actually turn your music down if they do call, giving them
no reason to call the landlord. Also, if they're are little
things around the place that need fixed, try to fix them
yourself instead of automatically calling the landlord. It may
cost you a little money in the short-term, but in the long run,
you save money.The power of white-out: Often times the trim in a room gets
shot to Hell with cigarette burns because people will put ash-
trays on your window sill. The best way to take care of that,
assuming that you have a white trim, is to white-out the
cigarette burns. Really, you just want to make it good enough to
pass a glance-over inspection. Generally that's what the
landlord does anyway, unless they find something that makes them
want to comb the place. Re-paint: If you have the time, it's always good to throw a
new layer of paint on the walls about two weeks before leaving.
It's good because the new paint makes the place look so
strikingly new that often the landlord won't notice how dirty
the rugs are. Keep the exterior of the place up: This is probably the most
important because it's so easy for the landlord to drive by and
take a look at the place. If they drive by and don't see a slew
of beer cans and cigarette butts, they're likely to think the
inside looks like a million bucks and keep driving. If the
outside looks like the front yard from Sanford and Son, you
should expect a surprise visit any time. Hope this helps, good luck.
By Tim Mars
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These words were said to me by my father, and to be honest, I think
it's the best advice he's given to me in a while. I don't believe
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| Hey, 50-50 odds aren't bad. Right? |
that he is unhappy with his marriage, he just realizes that I have
a lot of goals, most of which center around the entertainment
industry.
Come to think of it though, I don't know too many married guys (that
have been married for at least two years...time to let the novelty
wear off) that would recommend marriage at all. I'm 23 now, and
that's a very common age to get married. The thought of it for me
though, makes me shake.
Women are socialized since birth to want marriage. The wedding day
is supposed to be the grandest day in a woman's life. She takes
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| "OK, buddy, lay down the ring real slow like, and step away from the bride." |
time picking all the decorations and food, perfecting everything
to her liking. Sometimes, women do all of these things BEFORE THEY
EVEN HAVE A DAMN BOYFRIEND.
Men, on the other hand, are socialized to try and resist marriage
for as long as they can. It's reffered to, amongst men, as being
"tied down". Or having a "Ball and Chain".
And why? Because marriage is a way of saying, "I no longer want to
be the number one priority in my life." Despite the beauty of this
concept, I want to establish myself before I worry about someone
else. But then again, who knows what tommorow will bring....
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Here's some good ways to throw the "F" word in random sentences.
Let's go for lunch, as soon as this fucking sermon is over.
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| "Woo fucking hoo!" |
Great pie Gramma, what the fuck did you put in it? I'm taking this fucking class on how to speak eloquently. I can't read well, but damn I'm fucking smart. Hi, I'm Tim, I'll be your server. Can I get you something to
fucking drink? Will you fucking marry me? I fucking will. I'm very interested in getting this fucking job. I studied my fucking balls off for your language test,
professor. I need a fucking raise. I have no idea how fucking fast I was going officer, isn't that
your job? I bought you some fucking flowers for Valentine's Day.
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| Here's your fucking chocolate. |
Happy fucking birthday, Mom. Two fucking cheeseburgers, a fucking large fry, a small fucking
Coke, and, fuck it, an apple pie. How come there isn't any clean comedy on the fucking Internet?
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