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The first annual "Safety Fest" took place last Saturday at my house. It was a success, and nobody got hurt. This was easily the best theme party I've been to, and I'm not just saying that because I threw it. We had one room converted to the "tripped-out" room. It contained an intense strobe light with the windows covered with

Like M*A*S*H with kegs.

black paper and the walls were loaded with "safety decorations". In the kitchen we had a TV playing with a camera hidden in a closet making it the "safety monitor". The bathroom had a green light-bulb and another room had a blue-light bulb. There was a camouflage tarp covering our balcony so that everyone was safe. And, of course, we had two full kegs of beer.

If you have any ideas for theme parties, send them to me and I'll make a list of the best ones (If you don't want your name on it, tell me).

Submit Stories to: tim@UncensoredU.com

I was sitting at a bar with a couple of buddies when I ran into an acquaintance from high-school. We started chit-chatting and he invited himself to have a seat and for the next 45 minutes I had to hear about every little thing that he was doing in his life.

Uh...your shoes are getting wet.

"Hey, I recently got a pretty cool job writing comedy man, I'm excited about it," was one of my few interjections. His response was, "Really? I'm really beginning to consider myself an intellectual."

And then he did the worst faux pas, he started talking about religion. There's an unwritten bar rule ( I used to be a bartender so I'm sure of this one) that you never mix religion or politics with a couple pitchers of beer. You're just heading for trouble.

So he goes on for God-knows-how-long about religion and whatever- the-Hell else he was talking about (I started drifting into deep thought) until he was the only one talking and my buddies and I were looking at each other like, "Get me the fuck out of here." The funny thing is that he would know I'm refering to him if he read this, but he never gave me two seconds to tell him the name of the site.

What an asshole.

When you walk into a party, you want everyone to say, "Hey, now that looks like an interesting person". Here's a list of things to do that will get you that desired reaction every time:

1) Walk in with a really scary costume, at a baby shower.

2) Show up with your grandparents.

Hacksaw Jim Duggan's brothel.

3) To compensate for the lack of a date, bring a 2x4 and talk to it the entire time you're there. If you have to put it down for a second, intensely stare at anyone that comes near it.

4) Dress in camouflage and keep saying to everyone, "Hey! I'm over here! Couldn't see me huh?"

5) Bring a bottle of soy-sauce and offer it to everyone you encounter saying simply, "Soy?"

6) Show-up in a Speedo with a cucumber in your pants yelling, "Who wants some of THIS?"

7) Go to the best-looking girl at the party and pinch her. Then say in a shocked tone, "You're real?"

8) Walk in and introduce everyone to your imaginary friend, "Petey," and ask everyone if they want to play with Petey.

Tim prepares to donate to the Fraternal Order of Police

If any of you are police officers or related to one then I take my hat off to you because -DAMN- your job sucks. I don't understand how law officers can do it.

When I get a speeding ticket, I don't get mad. I just think, "Well it could be worse, I could be the one writing the ticket."

Who would want to ride around in a car with a gun waiting for something bad to happen? Who would want to bust some teenagers for doing the same stuff they did at that age? Who would want to crash a party full of beautiful women that they could be drinking with?

Really, hats off to you, your job sucks.

A friend of mine recently informed me of a dreaded situation that a lot of girls can relate to, and that's the "Walk of Shame." This is when a girl is leaving...oh say...a frat house after a long night. I thought about it a lot and came up with some advice on how to make the walk of shame less shameful.

1) Strip naked and strut, don't be scared.

Tim is always able to subtly slip out of the office.

2) Find the bathroom and sneak out the window.

3) Roll down the hallway (nobody will think about WHY you're leaving.)

4) Get a megaphone and walk around campus screaming about your partner's inadequacies.

5) Take a red magic marker, write an "A" on your chest, and walk with pride.

If you've thrown the best frat/sorority party known to man, or if you have beef with some other Greeks (or non-Greeks) that you want to make public, drop us a line at:

The Freaky Greek

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