"Hey pal, you fucked my order up!"
When I heard these poignant words, it was hard for me not to pick-up
the plate of food, look the disgruntled customer in the eye, and
drop the plate of nachos on his lap.
If you haven't already guessed, I used to be employed in the food
service business. During my seven years of torture in this field,
I've noticed one fallacy that occurs, not only in every restaurant,
but also with most customers. This is the misconception that the
customer is always right.
Granted, the customer is the one providing the restaurant with money
that keeps the business afloat. But the server is the one who goes
behind closed doors, where the customer cannot see, and prepares the
food. With these two variables in mind, the question of "who's
always right" becomes more complicated.
THE SNAPPING GUY SCENARIO:
Anyone who has ever waited tables knows the "Snapping Guy". This is
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| "Your seme...uh, seafood is ready!" |
the person that, after a few highballs, starts thinking he can
impress his date by belittling you. The Snapper's primary weapon
against the server is his fingers, and his ability to snap them in a
demeaning way while yelling something like, "What? Do I have to
wait around 'till the second coming of Christ for a drink?"
The best defense against the Snapper is to snap back. For instance,
let's say you go get the drinks and put them down. If you luck out
and he doesn't say anything rude, turn your head away and mumble
something. If he doesn't respond, snap your fingers about three
inches away from his ear and say, "Can I get you something!" He's
usually too shocked to respond and you get great brownie points
with his date (She's been wanting to do the same thing all night.)
THE IMPORTANT CONVERSATION SCENARIO
Every once in a while you get those people that just will not shut
the Hell up for two seconds so that you can take their order. You
walk over to the table, start to say, "Hi, my name is..." and you
realize that you are interrupting them so you stop. Only problem
is, they don't stop. They keep having their conversation while
you stand there looking stupid. This generally goes on for about
45 seconds or until one of the people has a conscience and
interrupts.
The best defense to this is walking away. If you approach a table
that won't stop running their stupid mouths, don't get pissed too
quick. Give them a second to finish. If it starts taking too long
though, walk away. It's even funnier if you go and get the
newspaper, sit in the booth next to them and have a smoke. If they
get mad, just say, "Oh...I guess you're ready now."
Works every time.
THE INORDINATELY SPECIFIC SCENARIO
Something that is very common is the person that wants their food
to be exactly the way they would make it at home. For example, the
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| There's an "emergency can" in every kitchen. |
guys whose nachos I "fucked up," who we'll call Stan, was a regular
at my restaurant. He came in every day and got something different,
but he often got nachos. Sometimes he would want everything to come
on the side, in separate containers, with just the chips on the
plate. Sometimes he would want just one or two things on the side.
Regardless, he always wanted his food a different way, and when he
would order it, he had a sheepish grin on his face implying, "I'll
probably get this for free..."
Go to Hell Stan.
THE COMPLAINER SCENARIO
This list would not be completed without saying a few words about
the person who complains about EVERYTHNG. And it's one thing if
they're right-- if you or the restaurant really did something wrong.
But some people complain and make your night miserable to get free
food. Or maybe they want to impress their friends. Or sometimes
they're just bored and they enjoy torturing people at work.
So their silverware is dirty -the first complaint. You go and get
them new silverware (That you really should just breathe on and
polish off) and you apologize for the inconvenience.
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| "Can I get you more lemon?" |
Then there is something in their drink. You really try to explain
to them that the seed in their water has obviously fallen out of
the lemon that is garnished the rim of their glass, but they
continue to complain. This is the point where the question of who
is right comes to play.
So after you go get the lemon seed out of their drink with your
fingers and bring it back to them, they tell you, "It's cold in
here, get your manager to turn up the heat."
After ignoring this request, you take their order (generally the
"complainer" and the "inordinately specific" customer overlap at
this point). You go put the order in and smoke a cigarette (this
is good because it makes you smell like smoke, which is one more
thing they can complain about). When you're finished with the
cigarette, walk over and say, "Is it feeling a little warmer?"
Believe me, they will always say "yes", even if you haven't done
a damn thing to the temperature. Their bodies have gotten more
adjusted to the room climate and they will actually convince
themselves that it is warmer.
After the meal arrives, they'll complain about anything from the
music, to the ambiance of the restaurant, your uniforms, the
food, other customers. You name it -they'll bitch about it.
The best way to handle the Complainer is to pawn them off to one
of the newer servers that doesn't know any better. If you walk
over to the table and say hello and they reply with, "Get your
manager to turn down the music." Be polite, and say, "Hold on
just a second." Then get a new server, throw them a couple of
bucks and get them to wait the table. It's worth the money,
believe me.
Well, society sees the customer as the one who is always right,
but there's enough saliva in a kitchen to even the score.
Submit Stories to: tim@UncensoredU.com
