Pushing the doors aside, I can get the general layout of that place I know so well. Hell, we all have a place like this. The hunting ground where our wits and skills are tested. Whatever it is that floats your boat is ready for indulgance.It could be the classy architecture and striking tapestries and artwork. Or it could be the seventy-two television stations, each tuned to a different sports game. It could be the suspicious glance or the loud music. It could be the local sudsy joint.

The bar.

Where the rich and the poor can play.

The smoke-laden haven where misfits and degenerates, hippies and sororities, business men and homeless come together to indulge in the fluid that supports their breathing, eating and sleeping.

More importantly --it's where the women are.

Amidst the senseless banter of the crowd....she's spotted. The siren of the night. She stands, unaware. Unsuspecting.

December 25, 2 A.M.

She's getting the long hard session tonight baby. Oh yeah. I'm banging that shit.

Oh, my id speaketh from within. My psyche collapses. I consider my options. It's still early. Let's not shoot thy foot. Have a few "sense sharpening" drinks. Tonight is Seagram's...maybe beer. Yeah, beer.

I think I see a girl that sat next to me in 8th grade before her dad moved because of the air force. Keep that in mind. Option.

It's best to stay standing. You can get closer. Mental Note: Don't stand when everyone else is sitting. Creepy. Don't fart. Stop sniffing your fingers. Hands in pockets or out? Big decisions. Behind the neck is always good. Common ground. Don't be nervous.

Stop talking to yourself.

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Here's some quality things to say to a lousy professor:

• "The class isn't really that dull...just you."
• "Can we skip the lecture for a quick game of 'Heads Up Seven Up'?"
• "I'd love to stick it out through the rest of class, but I have a life."
• "I'd be a foul person too if I had to look at us all day."
• "That last lesson you gave us was wonderful. One question. What the Hell were you talking about?"
• "I'd hate to be grossly underpaid for my work, does it bother you?"
• "I don't mind wasting my time and money on trivial things, why do you think I took this class?"
• "Homework? Oh, you must have me confused with, what they call, a 'student'."

Next time you're in an elevator, take advantage of the fact that you have lots of people in close quarters that desperately need entertainment. Make sure you have a friend with you, and speak quickly so everyone will hear your joke, and tell a story like this:

"Yeah, so this weekend my girl comes over and tells me she has a surprise for me, right? She says she wants to blind fold me and take me somewhere real special. So I'm like, 'Hell yeah', 'cuz I'm thinking she's wanting to jump my bones, right? Well she takes me out to this farm and it's dark and cold there."

"You have an odd smell today."

At this point, lower your voice a little and continue...

"The animals made me feel dirty. I feel violated."

At this point the people in the elevator will try to act like they are not listening to you. Pay no mind to this.

"I've never done anything like that. It was sick. I felt dirty all weekend. Yet there was a rawness, a pure animal instinct thing we had going....Wow. I'm just speechless."

Generally, it's about at this time that the elevator thins out real quick and people decide that it's a good idea to take the stairs.

Hours of fun.

Here's some new dance moves for all the coordinated people that still think The Bee Gee's are "in".

"The Hurt Eye Dance"- Cover your eye and convulse in pain. The first time someone offers to help you, say, "Naw baby, that's my new dance."

These guys actually have a lot of groupies.

"The Pole Assault"- This is really for the women that love to find a pole and swing from it. A new technique is to get a good running start and just slam yourself into the pole...men love this.

"The White Man Shuffle"- Give two thumbs-up and move your arms just a little. This takes very little effort and it looks like you're really trying.

"The Inappropriate Dancer"- This is really good if you find a place where people aren't expecting you to dance. Tables and bar-tops have already been done. Start breaking it down in the bathroom at one of the urinals.

The "I'm Looking For My Contact" Dance- This is good because it gets everyone involved. Crawl around on the ground until everyone gets out of your way. Then collapse and just lay there.

"The Humming Bird"- Flap your arms and bob your head back and forth. It's really great if you can get the whole dance floor to start doing it. Then laugh and ridicule them.